Works of the Devil

Works of the Devil: the Division of Labor in Hell      

The Devil doesn’t work too hard.  Anytime this is called sloth, He is pleased.   One key to the Devil’s relaxed state is that He is satisfied with his handsome share of fleeing human souls. With almost no effort, He gets a crack at sixteen percent of humankind for his eternal pleasure.  Let’s break down this sixteen percent, classifying the candidates into smaller groups according to their qualifications.

Eight per cent of souls dwell in people who are simply evil.   At their arrival the Devil breathes deeply, absorbing their putrid breath with his eyes widened.  He feels the blood rush of his destiny; his sense of purpose comes flying back to him like a falcon to the falconer.  

On earth, the truly evil are rarely spotted: their powers of manipulation, along with their put-on faces of cordiality, grief and empathy, take in ordinary people.  Evil souls work particularly well on people who claim to be particularly keen or sensitive to evil.

Another 7% include the agnostic (or ‘Confused’), Buddhists, fanatics and corporate executives. Of these, more in a moment. 

Atheists make up the last fraction, the last 1%.   Dealing with them involves a logical black hole because no one in Heaven believes in them.  What’s more, if Celestial Functionaries uncovered their existence, they would not be welcome at the Gates, for there is to be no philosophizing in Heaven: answers relevant to matters once important on earth, under the sea and in the air were provided in the Original Operating Manual.  A stray atheist could produce a fatal crack in the Celestial Aether.  No relativity there.

The three groups account an overall sixteen per cent:  His arithmetic is a shade off, but the Devil is not into details.  In the form of a fraction of mortal souls, the Devil claims a share of one-sixth (a repeating decimal of .01666 etc. or 16.667 per cent for short).

St. Peter’s expert panel of saints (activated after the Second Council of Nicaea in 787AD) rule on the Confused, the Off-Balance and the Buddhists – Amida, OK; Tantra, no way! and Zen, depends.  Fanatics are treated case-by-case.  Where snake-handling or phrases such as ‘eternal fricasee’ are de riqueur, Heaven rules against.  Corporate executives are judged by the panel regarding their fitness for Heaven, with an average drop rate of 7 in 10.

All immigrants to Hell present their credentials at the customs house next to the Gates of Hell.  Due to Heaven’s very generous measuring stick, only a small number of the deserving dead are presented to Customs at the Bakin’ Ranch.  Even as they check in bearing their earthly baggage, applicants get an invitation to the Devil’s Ball.

The Atheist deserves comment. As a thoroughgoing non-believer, she has several options.  Oblivious to the processing experience, she can return to Earth or another planet as an infant with a clean sheet, or based on native disposition, she resume a earthly path whether in scientific accomplishment, central banking, in an elite military unit or as an archaeologist.  Or – and this serves the Devil well –  she can make ad-hoc contracts with Hell for work on Earth.  The Atheist may at her discretion also attend the Devil’s Ball.

Despite the small increments by which Hell grows, the Devil’s domain, His Wretched Ranch, reaches its metaphysical limits from time to time.  To get more space, He has to petition Heaven.  After an eternity of rounds, He has tired of the ritualistic bargaining with the bureaucrats from Archangelic Commission on Real Estate. His trusted atheists cannot be his proxy.

This week, from the brilliant ruminations of his broiling brain, the Devil has again shown why he is the Master of Muck, the King of Kaka, the Sultan of Sloth.  He has decided to use the resources to hand to solve several annoyances at the same time.  The simplicity of the solution requires us to understand the work processes, talent, and incentives that lie beneath the Division of Labor in Hell.   When changes are made for the badder, a little cotton-candy cloud in the heavens melts – a small bonus.  The key stratagem will be vetting the Morally Dubious by their enjoyment of the Devil’s weekly Bouncing Ball.

The group will be regaled by the sweetly chaotic music the band pukes out.  They’ll mingle with the standard ugly souls, eat delicacies of the underworld and drink flaming cocktails while they bellow over the music.  The ebullient will socialize widely from the start of the party; the shy will gain confidence.  The Devil’s devious will focus on the guests who are too genuine or pure or earnest.  Milder attendees might drink too little but and fail the simple tests set out at the party; they’ll stick out by asking that the music be turned down, by attaching to an individual person, or by making conversation.

Selfish and boorish guests among the Morally Dubious will grade out as successful Hellions and receive a promotion to full citizens of Hell.  The Devil foresees that the best of the worst will turn over tables, mouth off to the band, mob the bars and try to break up couples that have been forming during the event.    For someone who sincerely misbehaves at the ball, an immediate decision is taken that Hell's best career paths are open. 

Such a soul is a godsend in solving the one of the Devil’s current problems: real-estate acquisition.  For some weakness survives in every soul.  Equipped with finer skills of deception and crafty, such a corrupt soul can present itself to St. Peter’s Land Commission as a lamentably lost lamb while following an aggressive hidden agenda. Such a miscreant will come out of the meeting with handsome gains and the Commission will think itself charitably and fairly dealt with.

The second problem has two dimensions: maintaining the Devil’s cred and keeping spirits up in his domain.  Whenever his reputation suffers as a result of marketing disasters such as the US Supreme Court's Ruling to reverse Citizens' United, the Devil wants to reinforce his reputation as a Hell-raiser and as a Punisher. 

Middle management has historically assumed the charge of carrying out Hell's suite of punishments and humiliations. And with the new pool of perverted blood of being infused regularly into Hell, degradation always takes new forms. Often, Managers act on imaginative ideas from individual Hellions. 
In a pilot program, a shift worker will report to research facilities to participate in design: one such case resulted in the popular "Hotspot" standing torture.

Vacations get approved swiftly, from select Heavenly locations for the advanced to drop-ins at malls and NHL games.  This philosophy, in the opinion of the Devil, further demonstrates the superiority of Hell.  A new twist is the working vacation.  Rising supervisors may choose to visit such places as Omaha, Singapore, and Brussels to disrupt their orderly operations.  Putting the Rutting Rabble to work as soon as possible puts them in position for an earlier promotion and an earlier getaway from Hell to divert themselves.  Visitors have returned with descriptions of cruelties unheard of here -- Earth's horrors once again Hell's delight.

The Devil has always looked to reward the crackerjack red soul.  A steady job would be poor compensation for a job ill-done on earth; boredom itself is part of the torment used on our patrons that make up the Morally Weak.  The evil sould be occupied with a continuing variety of tasks, the chance to innovate and frequent change of career stimulate the resident Henchmen of Hell. 

(In this, the Devil asserts the superiority of his Infernal World: the emphasis on quality of life, work and play in balance, shows the forward thinking of hellacious management.)

Germinating these ideas has taken more effort from the Devil than he likes.   More even than some Millennia ago, when He wore the hats of both Chief Operating Officer and Chief Executing Officer and every day was both fruitful and exciting.  He now has designees in both offices.  In keeping with His personal management ideas – generated in the late three millions BC (this mode of telling time is repulsive but convenient) – the Officers have immediate reports that work on the firing lines. 

Despite the mental strain involved in changing policies and procedures, the Devil has derived a thrill much like the excitement He felt during hands-on direction of the Excremental Empire.  Revisiting the many aspects of His domain must be done more often, He thinks. 

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This about wraps up this month's Horrid Herald.  Changes are coming at a millennial rate: anything could happen at anytime.  Whenever something does, we will be disgusted to bring you more news.

Yours sincerely,

Teddie von Teufel